It's Official...I'm Bulimic

SO as most of you who read this know, I am a busy person. Today I started out with a Starbucks Sugar-free, fat-free gingerbred latte. It was great. I did not eat anything until I was leaving school and I stopped at Chick Fil-A to get some chicken strips. Two bites in and they were stuck. So as I was driving, I was vomiting in both my former Starbucks cup and then my Chik Fil-A bag. I can not eat protein, it is not staying down. Tonight my husband brought me nachos....no fear, I only eat the toppings when I can, but I could not even stomach but a couple of pieces of chicken. Tommorow I will start back on my protein shakes and one meal a day. After all, I have perfected vomiting. Lean over, open my mouth and out it comes. Their is no strain, no sacrifice. Not like regular vomiting before my band, Just lean over and vomit. Still, my weight does not budge. So I will let you all try and figure that one out...Until next time. Vomiting while driving. Beautiful combo...

Finally....A Update on my Blog

Sorry it has taken me so long to update this blog. My computer was in the shop for close to a month, and when I finally got it back, about a week ago I sat down to finally update and got a call with some very upsetting news. This was not as important, so I just now am having a chance to sit down and tell what has been going on in my life. Let's see where to start. I went back on 10/24/07 for my second fill I am now up to 6.2 cc. When I went back for that, I had gained three pounds, but I had on jeans and a sweater, not to mention I had been on bedrest related to female problems. I ended up having surgery for those problems on 11/5/07. Since that time, I have not been back for another appointment, but I have lost another pants size. During all of this, my husband had a car wreck and I went back to the job that I had before I got the job at the hospital close to home. I had orientation and so on and so forth. Being on bedrest has not allowed me to exercise, and with the last fill, I have now perfected the vomiting. Not pb-ing but all out vomiting bringing up the food that I just ate. It seems to me that unless I stay on foods that are soft in texture, I am unable to keep anything down. In fact, it all gets stuck all the time. They want you to be pn proteins but the only protein I can eat is bacon. No lunch meats no regular meats, they all get stuck. My husband is wanting me to have my saline decreased, but then the weight loss, what little there is ceases. I don't know what I am going to do, but hopefully it will get better soon. Until then, my teeth are decaying from the lack of nutrition and my hair is getting thinner by the minute. Any suggestions would be helpful in this little weight loss game.

Will the stress ever stop??????????

So this week started out real sucky. Let's start with last Friday...My first day back to my job since handing in my resignation on Monday. That is right, I handed it in and took another job working in a Nursing Home. Something I swore I would never do. I after all want to help deliver babies! Never say never, I guess. I just never really wanted my career to head in that direction, but I am sick of the pettiness and backstabbing that goes on at my small hometown hospital. Plus, the pay is 5 more dollars per hour...Who can resist? So I had a pretty good day at work working with two of the nurses that I actually like. I called in on Saturday because I had to take the baby to the doctor for a infected bug bite. I had been up with her the two nights before, so something had to give. Later that day, I developed a migraine and it took imitrex, 800mg of Ibuprofen and a Phenergan to put me down. My husband called in for me on Sunday because I was so sick. I suffer from migraines, but only once a month. Since starting on imitrex, they have decreased and usually don't proceed, but I have been under so much stress lately it was time for one that actually kicked my ass, and it did. At 7:30 in the morning, I got a call from my cousin that her daughter had found her father dead. I was devastated and in a surreal state, but she called me back and I was able to calm her so I went back to sleep until almost 1 o'clock Sunday afternoon. I am sure my body needed this rest but it was also drug-induced from the migraine. So on Monday, I started my new job. It is a 45 minute drive, into Nashville, our big city. I get there and team up with this guy to learn the ropes. We started passing meds to the residents at 7:05 and did not stop until 12:15....NOT A BREAK, A SIP OF WATER, OR ANYTHING!! Now, as a nurse, I am used to running up and down halls, but I am also used to my 15 minute break in the morning and afternoon! So...he finally says I can go to lunch at 12:15 and I honestly thought about not coming back...it was that bad. I made a crappy choice at lunch and stopped at the nearest place, Krystal. I could actually eat them! That is when I realized I could resume eating bread. I ended up going back, but the afternoon was quite the same and I left feeling like I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. I left and stopped at Starbucks and Krispy Kreme on my way home. I ate two doughnuts and a caramel frappucino. I knew I was eating for emotions, but I had no control. I went home and my hubby rubbed my aching legs for two hours. On Tuesday, I felt like I was hung over. My body ached and I had a headache. I skipped my first class and went shopping for shoes to the tune of $138 and insoles and support hose etc. I would not be defeated! In amongst this entire spending spree, I should have been studying for my test in Western Civilization that I failed later that day. I didn't care I just wanted to get home. I had to work again Wednesday and I wanted to be prepared. We went to my friend's daughter's birthday and went bowling and that was a ton of fun that night. Tuesday was a entire day of bad food choices. I had a chik fil a chicken sandwhich and never pb'd once! I also ate pizza at the birthday as well as cake! I needed that fill, after all. Bread was beginning to be entirely too easy. I got up Wednesday and gave it my best shot. I went in and had my protein shake on the way in,and then carried my bottle of protein water to hand out my meds. It was still awful, but we were through passing them at 10:15. We actually had a morning break where I ate string cheese for a snack. At lunch I had my healthy choice meal. The afternoon sucked, but my back did not hurt as bad. My legs, still hurt even with the new shoes, insoles and support hose. They throbbed all the way home. My husband bought mexican, but I ate mainly the chicken and very few chips. I was still full from the protein. He rubbed my legs again for two hours, this time with lotion. I still woke up this morning feeling like I had a hang over and went to school feeling shitty. I made it through my classes eating all protein today and when I got home, I called a family meeting to discuss my current stress level. I started a new system on advice from my girlfriend, on how to get the kids to do more around the house because at this point in my life, I feel like I am losing control. The kids now have to pull a card if I have any trouble from them doing what they are told from now on. So far tonight, it has worked. Their rooms are spotless and they are in bed. I am going to talk to my husband when I get done with this blog, and explain to him what I need from him too, after I watch Gray's Anatomy. Tommorow is my last day at the hospital and I am hoping I can make healthy choices as well. And as for the baby's mama. Well she got 11/29 in the pen but then got a suspended sentence. She is out walking freely on probation. She already has a new myspace and I am sure at this moment, trying to find my profile. I switched my name that you search me under. It is only a matter of time until her threats will start up again. Last I heard, she was going to take classes and get the baby back...We'll see....Until next time, so stressed my hair is coming out....K

SO much stress...so little time....

Well, it has been two months today since my gastric banding. I went to the doctor today and was at 270. Only three pounds down from last time, but my fat mass has decreased by 9%. The nurse talked to me about my p-bing episodes and we decided not to fill this time. She stated that she no longer wants me drinking with my meal but right before it because the p-bing is actually caused by a mucous plug and not by the food getting "Stuck" drinking the water before my meal will actually clear that out. She doesn't want me to drink with my meal, and I have to wait until an hour afterward. Surprisingly enough, she stated I was right where I needed to be. I was kind of glad to hear, I confessed to the nurse that I had been to Olive Garden after a extremely stressful day at work on Friday. She stated no more Olive Garden for me. I am headed in to resign after I finish this blog. I have had a extreme amount of stress there lately and cannot take it anymore. I took a position this morning with a place that is farther out (45 minute drive) but $5 more per hour. I have to take whatever I can find now so that I can get through school. I am hoping and wishing for that acceptance letter any time now. Baby mama has been put in jail, but still remains calling and threatening that she will take the baby as soon as she gets out. I was sick over that last week and then decided to place that in God's hands. Since I have done that, things are beginning to fall into place..."Yes, Lord, I do listen" The yard sale is over, and we did great. I had a mouse problem in the garage and that had me so stressed out I couldn't think. But now it is clean, all of our stuff is gone, and the reality of having a room built on is getting closer to being here. I am slacking in school, but I have been too stressed to even get that ball rolling...I am hoping that the job change will be positive and will help me to see some light at the end of my tunnel. Until then, I will be keeping the ticker on my page at 267 because I know that Japanese flag day has something to do with the fluctuation. Until next time....Love, Peace and NO MORE GREASE...

Top 10 Reasons why Keyana Doesn't update her blog...

Well, I got home from work tonight and read all of the comments surrounding the blog about possibly downsizing the ring. I could not find the blog itself, so I thought I would give everyone on here the 10 top reasons why I don't update my blog enough and then you all can decide whether or not I "deserve" to stay on here somewhere. First of all, let me preface this by saying when I joined back in July, I thought this would be a positive way for me to be able to stay in touch with other people's weight loss experience as well as to share mine. Sure, it may take a little longer to get around the ring, but there are still tons of people out there who could benefit from everyone's stories. With that, here are the reasons...
1. I am eblogger illiterate...good at the myspace, bad at the eblogger, every time I try to add a page element, my page gets screwed up, so it may not be flashy, but it is still me.
2. Up until a few weeks ago, I actually received a few motivational comments. I looked forward to these, but haven't received any in a while, I am beginning to wonder if I am still on the ring anyway!
3. I am a private person, hence my myspace being private. I don't think it is necessary to blog all of the drama that is going on with the baby's mama right now, because it has nothing to do with weight loss, I blog here to have a weight loss blog...that's all, nothing else.
4. Because of the above drama, I have been a little preoccupied and have been living in constant fear that she would try and come in on my family and try and steal the baby. It is because of that drama that I have not been able to really focus on weight loss or blogging at this time.
5. I have four kids, two of which are involved in organized sports. I have practice on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, with games all day on Saturday.
6. See above and then remember that I only have a desktop computer.
7. I got to school on Tuesday and Thursday as well, and I made the mistake this semester of scheduling my classes back to back to be home when my children are. No time for blogging!
8. I work Friday, Saturday and Sunday from 7a-7p by the time I get home, I have very little time for this. I barely have time for my family. If by chance, I am on call for the hospital on Saturday, See number 5.
9. I used to blog from work, but this week they came in and removed all of our Internet capabilities so that is no longer a option....DAMN THE MAN!
10. I am also having a yard sale this weekend and I have a LOT of stuff. That is preoccupying any "extra" time that I may have right now.

So there you have it. the top 10 reasons I can not keep up a blog daily. But, I have written 20 since joining at the end of July. Hopefully you sassy ladies can find it in your hearts to keep me on here. On a lighter note, and I am sure a little of it has to do with the stress I have had going on this week, the exercise and the hardly eating at all, but I dropped 7 pounds! I could hardly believe it when I got on the scale and I can't wait to weigh in again next week! Until next time...please keep me as a blogger!

People will say Anything...

Yesterday was eventful. As we stood outside to smoke, a couple of my nursing friends were giving me a "pep" talk. I was explaining to them that I was a little disgusted with my progress and not being able to progress to anything really except soft foods still. We were talking and then they said "Maybe you need to be on some wellbutrin." It really upset me. There are confidants that I trust with everything and I am sorry if this was not all it has cracked up to be. The thing is, I really haven't talked to them but this once about it. Besides my husband and keeping this blog, I keep my adventure to myself. I know their will be tragedies and triumphs, and right now between school, working, four children, (one in cheer leading and one in soccer) and being the team mom, I have been quiet disgusted with not being able to get my exercise in and basically having to live on protein shakes to survive. I would never say to them..."I think you need medication" after one day of bitching. Which brings me to my question...DO people really just say anything anymore? A couple of weeks ago, a couple of friends of mine on two separate occasions (and these friends do not know each other) said in conversation with me, "
Once you get the weight off you will be gorgeous" UMMMMM okay, I never say to them "Hey once you do something with your nappy hair you will be fabulous" or "Once you fix those teeth you will look great" I mean WTF? I didn't let it bother me, but comments like these take you off guard and for a split second, it causes you to question the entire relationship. I mean seriously do they not know I am gorgeous already? How am I even supposed to respond to a comment like that? On a lighter note, last night was my second workout. I got to the gym at 10:15 (My hubby didn't got home from work until 9:30) there were only two people there and I enjoyed that. I did 15 minutes on weights concentrating mainly on my fat upper arms. This is one area that I have got to get toned up. I spent 25 minutes on the treadmill and only 4 minutes on the elliptical. I then worked on my abs some, but because my husband had built muscle behind his port, and almost pushed it through the skin, I took it easy with that. I finished up and felt great. When I got home, Andy gave me a Swedish body massage....so no soreness this morning. It was Fantastic! It takes three weeks to develop a new habit, so I am going to the gym for the next three weeks solid, hoping that I will in some way become like Dagny and have a new fetish with it. Until next time...Choose your words carefully...you can impact some one's life.

A little rant....

My past week has been full of pb-ing episode after episode. I am starting to get very discouraged as far as this whole experience goes. Last Sunday, I got called off from work. We decided that we would spend the day together and took the kids to O'Charley's. Because I can not stomach salad, I decided to order a sandwich. I took one bite and spent the next thirty minutes pb-ing in the bathroom. I am not sure what to even think of the "pb-ing" As a nurse, I am quite complexed as to how the food doesn't come back but the slime does? It confuses the heck out of me. Needless to say, I came back and didn't eat anything else except the meat off of my sandwich. I can not figure out what I am doing wrong. So far, I can not eat anything of any substance without being terribly uncomfortable. I have pb-ed at least three other times this week, but have not had anything come back up. And the sensation you get when something gets stuck...cold, clammy, like you are fixing to pass out. I can't stand it. I have eaten a lot of cheese sticks, it is about the only thing that will stay with me. I am talking about the string cheese that you get at the store. I am hoping it is a good source of protein. Last night, I finally broke the seal and went and worked out. Before I did so, I got on the scale and there it was again. NO WEIGHT LOSS. And I haven't even been eating! I am finding myself real close to saying the hell with it and having the band removed. To me it has been both a physical torture as well as a emotional torture to not be able to eat what I want to eat when I want to eat it. I know I didn't get this way overnight, but I am damn tired of not seeing the scale move...Maybe the exercise will make a difference....Until next time, still asking myself WHY?

My First Fill-Up

I went to the doctor's office today and had my first fill. I was not sure what to expect and after the nurse weighed me in....(I am still at 20 lbs, btw) she led me to the room and I started to sweat. After about 10 minutes, the docotor came ain and made me lie back. he numbed up the skin which felt nothing more than a bee sting and then he began to fill me. After a couple of seconds he asked that I sit up (while he still had the needle in the port) and he had me drink a glass of water. I did and he left me at 4.2 cc. I did not burp, vomit up in my mouth, pb or anything like that. After that I was all done and I headed home. PAINLESS and FANTASTIC. I got the go ahead to exercise and he told me that everything looked great! I have a appointment in 3 weeks for another fill. Until then it is three days of liquids and softs on Thursday. Until then...living on water and wine....

Catching up the Blog....

So we went on vacation and had a wonderful time. While there, I ate pretty much "normal" foods. I was totally expecting a huge weight gain because I had only indulged like that here and there. I came home and weighed and I was still at the same weight I was before I left. So I have managed for a month to keep that weight off. After we were home for one day, it was time for our luau that we have for the girls birthdays each year. We get a roasted pig and the whole shabang. It was a lot of fun. I worked on that Sunday, and then Monday was supposed to be my first fill appt. I had to reschedule because the baby was sick, so I will go for my first fill tomorrow. I don't know what to expect, but I am totally excited to finally be getting it cranked down so that I don't eat as much. Right now I am eating less than half of what I used to be able to put away. I went to a store last night to get a shirt and was down a entire shirt size, so as I said before, I am showing definite improvements. Still no exercise have I done. One, because I loathe it, Two, because I don't have time between cheer leading, soccer, work and school and Three, because I never have a sitter. All of these are just excuses, I know, but I have got to get started with it this week, otherwise, I will not achieve ANY of my goals and I am a very goal-oriented person. Other than fitting into a smaller size shirt, no drastic changes to tell you about, But I will definitely keep you posted. My life is pretty monotonous on a daily basis so I try not to bore you with the small details. Until next time, I can't wait to fit into a shirt off the rack of a regular store....

I Got TAGGED!

I was tagged on 8-4-07 but we have been on vacation, so I am just now catching my blog up.

Here are the rules:
1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged write their own blog post about their eight things and include these rules.
4. At the end of your blog you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged and that they should read your blog.
5. 8 is a magic number. Not three.

Eight Obscure Things About Me:

1. I have been overweight since the 9th grade (read 1st blog) Because my parents were so non-active in my life, I figured out the only way I would ever make it through high school was to become a ass-kicker (bully) I wasn't the type of bully to take your lunch money, but I was the girl everyone called to fight their fights for them. My senior year, I failed Marketing by two points. My principal called me into the office and told me she was giving me the two points, because she didn't want me in her school again the next year. Ouch that hurts! Unfortunate for her, I received a page the following year (after I had graduated and started college) for a girl who wanted me to come and walk her to class because she was scared of being beat up...I ended up going and doing it and then I stopped in to say hello to my principal...he he

2. I love musicals, especially ones starring Judy Garland. My grandmother got me hooked when I moved in with her when I was 17. I collected quite a few and every year I make my children sit and watch Easter Parade, I figure if I have to watch High School Musical daily, then they can pacify me once a year. Secretly both them and my husband like it.

3. I am a social smoker. I can pick them up and put them down. It doesn't bother me.

4. My nickname, given to me by my sister when they could not say Keyana was "Kaka" it means shit in Spanish and I am still called that quite often. My youngest sister, Cori, has now started calling me "Doo" as I do her, we got that from the movie Coal Miner's Daughter...Another Fave of ours.

5. I have three biological children and our fourth child, Melanie Mojo, (we shortened it to Lanie) was left with me by a childhood friend when she was 8 weeks old. She is almost two and we have had her every since. The mother found me on myspace, (she is on crack) and asked me if her grandfather was dead? Nothing about her child. she also asked if we were still friends? Well, I left my myspace public and she stole one of the pictures and then changed her name above the picture to HER NAME IS MOJO! and then her headline read "and I'm her mother you fat bitch, and what's with all your fat friends?" I don't know what caused this outburst, except that I had changed my profile back to private so she could no longer steal the pictures of her, after all when we got the baby, there was a open investigation because the child had a bedsore on her head and was being medicated with Tylenol and Benadryl so she would sleep! Needless to say, she chose crack over her child and what about the other 5 children? She has nothing to do with them nor has custody of them either. But you want to call yourself her mother??? BTW, I LOVE it when people attack my weight, I have been called fat for 17 years...it does not affect me...I thought about changing my headline to "you like crack, we like food" but I have decided to just get a lawyer instead...

6. I shoot straight from the hip and if you want my opinion on something, I will give it, I expect the same in return.

7. I have psoriasis of the scalp, ears and sometimes of the face. I use alcohol on my ears, special shampoo on my scalp, and cream on my face.

8. I am a myspace addict. I love the thought of being able to find friends, family and lost loved ones on there. Not to worry, I have begun the 12 step program.

I would tag 8 people, in fact, I just had their names written down, but I just threw that piece of paper in the shredder box, and I don't remember who I chose! Oh well, the whole ring is tagged,(if you haven't been tagged already) there you go.

Back to Normal...I Think!

Well, it has been 18 days since my surgery and this week has been a big turning point. I was able to work my 5 days in a row and still felt human the day after my 60 hour stretch. My incisions are healing well, and the down side is that my appetite has returned completely. Well, I won't say completely, but I can certainly hold more than a half a cup and my mind has started focusing more on food, and I find myself wanting to snack to stay fulfilled. With that, I have only been able to maintain the 19 lb. weight loss and that really bothers me. I am glad that I am back to being able to keep up with my children and my hectic schedule. We leave tonight for our vacation to Destin, Fl. I have family there so I try to go twice a year. I was fortunate to go in May, and I am now returning with the entire crew for a 4 day vacation. I did not buy any new clothes to wear because I am now able to fit in all of my old ones, including a pair of TH capri jeans. That is one upside to the weight loss and I can see a definite improvement in that area. I am eager for my first fill on August 13th, as I don't like the thought of wanting to eat more than my half cup proportions. I will also be cleared for exercise on that day. I probably could now, but with my history of MRSA with my last surgery, I have not wanted to even remotely sweat and get bacteria growing in a place where it does not need too. All in all, everything is going much better but if you still asked me if it was worth it, sadly my answer would be no. I am hoping that this attitude will wear off. I just hate the thought of ANY type of elective surgery at this point. I am going to try and go read some of the other blogs now and catch up with all the happenings...so until next time....Gulf Breeze Wishes!

A Little Update...

Well, it has been a while since my last blog. After my emotional breakdown, I found myself sinking lower and lower in despair. Everyone was telling me to enjoy the time, but I just have to be busy...My kids are used to being busy too, they were fighting like crazy by Wednesday, but soon we got some much needed relief. My girlfriend, Holly, popped by and brought her kids and it did me and the kids a ton of good. So good in fact, her girls spent the night and my girls were on their best behavior. I did spend Thursday sleeping after the girls had their little "slumber party" they slept most of the day, too. On Friday, I headed back to work. It was the craziest day I have had in the two years at this hospital. I had a 450 lb man that I had to pull and tug on all day and by the end of the day I was worn out! I weighed in in the morning and was up to 276. I expected a little weight gain as I have been reading it is to be expected when you go from liquids to solids, so I was not too perplexed. This morning I headed back in and was back down to 274, so I understood it was either water or just a normal fluctuation. My mother in law made some stuffed bell peppers and squash casserole so that is what I have eaten the past couple of days, for one of my meals. I figure not only is it soft but low carb. Tonight, my husband and I went to pick out the girl's birthday cake and went out to dinner. I had chicken fajita nachos at the mexican restaurant and only had half a order! Not to mention, it too me forever and I still did not finish them. I knew these were high in calories, but today was a day like the last at work and I have had on my skates. Plus, the food did not taste as good as I remember. I am thankful for this. I am worried about one of my stab wounds, I think it may have opened up this morning and drained something, so it is concerning me. I have decided just to keep a eye on it and hope for the best...with the patients that I care for, It would not surprise me if I caught something from them. Hopefully not, and next week we will be in the ocean. the salt water always has a healing effect. Until next time....just waiting for the weight to "fall" off....

The Breakdown

Two blogs in one day....WOW! Tonight, I had my first emotional breakdown. It started earlier today when I tried to clean my kitchen floor on my hands and knees and felt like my port was in my throat. I have so much to do before I have my luau on August 11th, and it needed to start with the kitchen. So I get in there with my bleach and water and clean out my refrigerator and then move to the floors. My body let me know real quick that I had NO BUSINESS being in that floor. I was in pain. So I waited until Andy came home and instead of him saying "Baby you should have waited", he starts fussing at me like crazy saying "You have to be sensible about this you are only one week out of surgery and you had no business moving the refrigerator." Finally, I just broke down. You have to understand, I am not by far an obese, sedentary person. I don't like having to have someone do something for me. I am used to being able to jump up and fix what needs to be fixed and clean what needs to be cleaned. I am standing there stirring protein powder in my low-carb chili and he says "Yes but you can't do it right now" Then it came out of my mouth...."APPARENTLY WOMEN HAVE MORE TROUBLE THAN MEN WITH THIS SURGERY AND IF I WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT, I NEVER WOULD HAVE HAD IT DONE" And then I cried. He held me while I cried and after my outburst, I went in the living room and ate my low-carb protein-chalky powder chili and was done. I only "borrowed" the chili for 19 minutes. Afterwards, I sat on the couch while my husband who had worked 8 hours today, cleaned, on his hands and knees, the ENTIRE kitchen. I feel so helpless. Until next time....I may need prozac before it's over

AM I 90 or 32??

So...I woke up yesterday morning pain free. I had become quite restless the night before at around 1:00 a.m. I woke up and paced the floor, sat down and checked my myspace and e-mail and paced some more. I finally went and sat back in the recliner. I must have went and got in my bed sometime between 1:00 and 10:00 a.m. Monday morning. I have put nothing else in my new stomach besides pudding and soup. I NEVER want to go through that again. I refrained from taking my vitamins yesterday, but I decided since my body is not getting the nutrients it needs, and I am obviously losing weight (You can tell just from looking at me) that I needed to take them today so here I go crushing my pills the same way I crush them for my elderly patients, I then mix them with a sugar-free vanilla pudding and swallow them down. I know...GROSS! I still feel like no matter how much I read and tried to prepare myself for my new "banded" life, I was not prepared at all. I just figured it would be similar to that of my husband's life, which is to be real honest, no different from before. Besides using portion control, he is back to eating (after only three days of recovery) normal foods. His typical day is a shake, a healthy choice meal and then whatever we have for dinner...Meanwhile, it has been a week since my surgery and I am only up to full liquids. I don't ever see me eating "normal" foods again and I don't like the thought of that one bit. I have stopped cross-blogging on my myspace because I figured out after my 274 lb blog that my friends didn't really care to hear about this journey. So I will just continue to blog my feelings and thoughts on here. If no one is listening besides Dagny, I don't care, It helps me to feel better to get it off my chest. Until next time....All I need now are dentures...

Meat Tenderizer to the Rescue??

Okay, so last night I came home and tried some chicken and vegetables. I chewed each bite of chicken at least 29-30 times and the vegetables which were cooked soft at least 20. I did not have any trouble with the meal. This morning, I went into work and my Herbalife vitamins and protein shakes were finally there when I was! So I go ahead and crush the vitamins, but the cell activator was in the capsule form, so I went ahead and took it whole followed by water and a little later, my protein shake. By two o' clock this afternoon, I knew that I still had not passed that capsule. It was definitely stuck. Because I am a nurse, I was doing a lot of bending and feeling more and more sick by the hour. I called my husband, (who should be the lap-band surgery poster boy) who told me to drink, drink, and drink some more. I drank and drank and even drank my diet lipton tea with lemon heated. Nothing was working, in fact, I was becoming more and more sick. So after much urging from my fellow co-workers I had my doctor paged. I explained to him what I had done and he said get some meat
tenderizer mix it with water and sip on that, and rest sitting up. Then he tells me "I am pretty sure I filled you a little because the band was a little loose" HELLO??? Someone could have mentioned that to me about 5 days ago!! I have been uncomfortable with every type of food I try and was just deciding that this was going to be my life with the band. Because my husband and his family expected me to just bounce back, like he did, I have tried as little as possible to complain, although when I have, it has fallen on deaf ears. My husband actually shouted at me and told me he knew exactly what I was going through today and he was trying to help me fix it but "NOOOO, I REFUSED to do what he said." Reduced to tears, I told him that I had been drinking but the more I drank, the more nauseated and painful it became. I feel like even though he has had the band, he is not hearing me out when I say something is wrong. Don't get me wrong, I am not easy to live with when I am sick. If I am running a fever, I have a little whimper that I make when I am chilling. When I was nauseated last week after surgery, I pretty much was ill and crying at times with my head. I am sure he was happy to finally go back to work, but when I tell you something is stuck and has not moved in 8 hours, I think it needs to be addressed. So I finally was sent home from work, and have been sipping on this meat tenderizer mixed with water for the past half hour while writing this. The pain has subsided a tad, but I am still uncomfortable. My doctor told me that if I was still uncomfortable tomorrow, to come back to the office and he would remove some of the saline. Until then I guess, I will sit here and drink meat tenderizer until I am floating, hoping and praying that this thing passes and soon so that I can rest tonight. Until next time, God bless McCormick's....

A Whole New Set of Numbers

Drum roll please....I weighed in this morning at work....I was in a whole new set of numbers......274!!!! This was with a extra shirt on under my scrub top and shoes! The extra shirt was so I could try to avoid catching anything from my patients. I am back to eating solid foods and making the healthy choices is still going to be a obstacle for me. I am guilty of eating pasta last night, but to be quite honest I was sick of having the runs and being unable to keep anything on my stomach and believe it or not the four bites of pasta actually stuck. Before anyone gets excited I have been terribly upset that I did that and though I ate a little more at lunch after losing my breakfast I was not at all interested in gaining back the weight I have so jubilantly lost. That is why I joined the WLS ring...In a typical day what do you choose for you meals? You guys were so kind to leave me some feedback on my last blog so PLEASE I need your help now. I do not want to keep making bad choices. It has been 20 years of unhealthy eating and I am trying to re-learn the process. Until Next Time...On solid foods and happy again....

Let the Games Begin...

So today I got a email from my mom. She has really nothing to do with me or my children except at Easter and Christmas. So today I get a email asking how my marathon training was going. Since I had not done that in several months, that shows has long it has been since I had heard from her. I went ahead and broke it to her that I had the lap-band. She wrote back later this afternoon and asked if we could start meeting in White House and walking together. I do not know how I feel about this. I knew it would come because these people have been obsessed with my weight my entire life. I honestly thought that it would not come for some time after I had dropped say 80-90lbs. To me this is conditional love and I don't need it. Either you love me how I am, all the time, unconditionally, or you don't love me at all. This women has made a couple of feeble attempts in the past to be a part of my life by coming in and remodeling my house, but each time I would get my hopes up that she was going to stick around, and then nothing. I finally visited a counselor during my divorce that said I must not let her walk in and out of my life like that. As of Christmas, I had made a attempt to talk to her about our past one last time, and she quickly stated I love you and that should be enough. She wrote e-mails for a while and then backed off again. I don't know how to feel at this point. I would love to have a mother in my life but at the same time I don't know if I want a mother under false pretenses....HELP! What would you do? Please I need advice....Until next time...Is this going to be my new thinner lifestyle? People who never paid me attention before suddenly take hold and pay attention now? If so I would rather be fat. Fat people are more genuine.

I Don't Know Which Day it is Post-Op!

Okay, so Andy informed me yesterday that it was only day two post-op. I was thinking yesterday was day three. So I guess today is day three? I don't know. Anyway, I got put on-call today which I asked for. I felt like I needed one more day to be back 100%. I have not even tried to drive yet, So I figure I probably need to do that first thing. Today, my shoulder is killing me. I have either pulled it while sleeping on the couch the first few days, or maybe it was pulled when they placed my arm out to my side for surgery. Either way, I have decided it is not trapped gas, I am over that, but it is a pulled muscle. I am sitting with a heating pad on it as we speak. Other than that , I am almost back to my old self. The incision sites are itching and that is a nuisance but other than that I am doing much better. Not really hungry I tried to drink some of a milkshake last night and the pain was not worth it. My larger stomach below the band is still having hunger pains but I can't get anything to it! It really sucks. I am looking forward to working tomorrow to see how that's gonna play out. If I could just get my shoulder to feeling better I would be back to normal! Until next time....flexeril anyone??

Days Two And Three Post-Op

Well, yesterday (day two) sucked. I had felt like ass all day long. I will start with the fact that I have been a little hungry today and the clear liquids were not cutting it. Andy said my swelling must have gone way down. I don't know but last night when Holly and James left, Andy fixed me some mashed potatoes. I knew it was the wrong idea with the second bite. So, after those had cleared he fixed me some tuna fish, I was able to eat 2 bites of it and then I was full. I got nauseated immediately after eating any of that, so I took some lortab and went to lie down. I am still unable to sleep in my bed at this point. Well, I lay down and here comes the migraine almost immediately. I don't know if it is from the lortab, or the way my neck is on the couch. So, I had Savannah get me a cold rag and I suffered until 1:00 this morning when I had to have some intervention. Andy could not find my imitrex (migraine medication) so he gave me another phenergan. At 7:15 when he was getting up, I went in and tried to lay down in my bed again. HALLELUJAH it worked. So I slept there, headache free, until 10:27 this morning. When I got up this morning I was hurting much less, almost none at all. I took a shower and started to try and join the land of the living again. I ate a caramel sugar free pudding, but I had taken some MOM yesterday and the pudding ran right through me. I am now deciding to go back to clear liquids for today and possible fulls again tomorrow. Until next time...I am going to be starving by next week....

The Surgery

Oh the things we will do to be thin. So I didn't go to bed until around 1:00 Monday night. I was a nervous wreck. I had to be there at 5:30 a.m. So we get there and because I had my surgery at Baptist, it was a lot different than Andy's surgery. At first they took me back to get a pre-op weight. 281.2! I am almost in a whole new set of numbers. After that, they took me back to pre-op holding and went ahead and had anesthesia to start my iv. this was nice because he numbed the area up first so it did not hurt that bad. They gave me some reglan and zofran iv, and a pepcid. All of this was to coat my stomach.Then, my doctor came in and talked with me and let me know what to expect and what to eat afterward. Then they let Andy come back. I would like to say that these were tender last moments, but we just sat there and joked and laughed. Then they whisked me off to surgery. When I woke up I was in recovery and extremely nauseated. They gave me some phenergan and I was still sick. I did not want to vomit because that can cause the band itself to slip. They took me down and did my swallow test and I was still about to vomit, but I held back and they finally took me to my room. I slept for probably two hours and then they wanted me to get up and walk. That first time up was so rough. I was nauseated and had that gas trapped in my shoulder. HORRIBLE. Andy did so great after his surgery that I truly thought I would bounce right back. Instead, I was sick and nauseated. I laid back down and my step mom came in to visit me. We talked a bit and I dozed in and out. When it was time to go home I was having a lot of pain with the gas in my shoulder and having a lot of nausea. I was also starting to get a migraine. I was batting 1000. Finally, we got home and I could not lay down on the bed. Thank Goodness we bought that new couch this year that reclines. That is where I have spent my last 12 hours. It is now 2:20 a.m. and this is the first time in the past twelve hours that I have been able to sit up for this long without a migraine and being nauseated. I feel a little better in fact. I am working with my incentive spirometer, and writing this. I went the first few hours I was home taking nothing for pain and just having a phenergan. I had to finally break down around 7:00 p.m. and take it. I had not wanted to take it because I felt like that was probably what was making me so sick. I am glad I finally took it, because that made it a lot easier for me to walk. I just took my second dose but I thought I would let everyone know how I was. A lot of you have called and I thank each one of you for your thoughts and prayers. Big Daddy has taken such good care of me and I love him for that. I am feeling a ton better for right now so I am hoping everything will keep looking up....Until next time...put those cheeseburgers away...NO one should have to go through this and I sure hope it is worth it in the end.

Day Nine~I Made It!

So, I made it through the pre-op despite the few cheats here and there and today I started full liquids. It has not been that bad. I have been home the entire day and pretty much have had one slim-fast and some soups. I will do full liquids and then clear liquids all day Monday. This is kind of my way of doing pre-op. I am also taking MOM to help cleanse the colon out. My husband's pre-op was one week of the protein shakes and lean cuisine and then one week of full liquids then 3 days before, clear liquids. He pretty much eats whatever he wants now, but I am hoping that my desire for unhealthy foods actually decreases. This will be easier for me if it can. I can already tell that my taste buds are much more sensitive to salt, and if it is too salty, I can't eat it. I have lived this way for around twenty years, eating unhealthy foods, and this diet is not going to change that overnight. The surgery isn't on my brain, but my stomach, and there are going to be times just like my everyday life, when I am going to screw up and eat the wrong thing or make the wrong decisions. That doesn't mean that I am going to give up or lose my focus it just means that I am human. My husband still eats whatever he wants, and that is his decision. But I will say he has DRASTICALLY reduced his portion size and that is what works best for him. I am going to order some of the herbalife supplements tomorrow and start them after surgery too. I can't wait. All of my nursing friends are so excited and are being really supportive. I have felt a little down today and have slept most of the day but I just worked four 12's in a row.I have to work again tomorrow and Monday and then the big day will be here. I am scared and excited all at once...Only three more days to go! Until next time....sugar-free here I come...

Day Five~I BLEW It!

So because I was at home today, I did a lot better with the eating. I had my two slim-fast, and my lean cuisine and really wasn't that hungry at all. I cleaned up the house and things were going great. The kids are in VBS this week and their friends Maddie and Taylor are staying at my mother-in-laws so I only had Lanie last night while Andy was gone to the lodge. I watched Dateline and then he got back. Then, he sabotaged me. He came out with a heaping mound of cheese fries and told me I better eat up because fries are impossible after the band. I could not be strong, the fries were insanely wonderful, but I was only able to eat a few before I felt like I had to vomit. I gave the plate back to him where he preceded to finish them off. Notice above he said fries were nearly impossible after the band? They must not be too impossible! I felt horrible after I ate them, Like I had cheated myself of something very important. Funny, I did not feel this way with the rangoon...LOL It is one thing, I think, to have the surgery and have to be on a certain diet after you have it, but to be on it before really is a challenge. If I had wanted too, after all, I could have eaten two slim-fast and a lean cuisine years ago and not be where I am today, needing the WLS. Tomorrow is my official weigh-in at the doctor's office with the surgeon doing my surgery. I don't think I screwed it up too bad with the fries, but I guess we will see. Until next time....740 calories a day is no joke, and neither is 1200.

Day Four~This Really Blows!

Today was quite a busy day at work. I did extremely well with my clear liquids and such but damn if I didn't eat the crab rangoon when I got home. My weight at work today was still at 284. I figured I would be 287 with all that rangoon. And here is the thing, sure I would eat them before but NEVER like this. I guess I am just hungry....for anything. Today's calorie count was 648, before the rangoon. When I got home from work, a girlfriend of mine and I were instant messaging and I decided to go to her house for a while. It kept me busy and I was not at all hungry...I got home at a quarter till three. I was tired but had energy and I honestly don't know where it is coming from. Today is my last day for any kind of cheat, Tomorrow starts the full liquids, I think, I will have to check with Andy when he gets home. Wish I could just fast forward to next Tuesday and get this over with...just wish me luck on making it without crab rangoon for the next week! Until next time....I miss my old way of life, but not enough to keep living it!

Day Three~Damn that Rangoon!

Today was day three of pre-op and it was definitely better than the last. I had some problems with the slim fast last night, but when I weighed at work this morning, I was down to 284. That is eight pounds from my highest weight when I was sick in April, (293). I could not believe the scale. With that encouragement, I stuck strictly to the meal plan until tonight. I had drank all of my egg drop soup without the drops this morning. So Andy went and got some more tonight and I had that and more rangoon. I didn't care, I figured up my calorie count today and I have gone from eating 4000 calories a day roughly, to a mere 740, before the rangoon. I can definitely tell my stomach is shrinking as it only takes a little fluid and a little solid to get me full. I am excited about my upcoming surgery, but I really want and need to be successful at it so I know that the rangoon has to stop. Compared to everything I had eaten yesterday, I still feel that I did well because in all likelihood with me working, I know I have burned them off. The scale will probably tell on me tomorrow. I will be interested to see, I have gone to the bathroom probably ten times today so I know I am losing water. Tonight a couple of friends that we had not seen in a while came by so that helped keep my mind busy as we watched The Borat (love it). Anyway, each day is getting better than the one before and I hoping maybe tomorrow, I can stay strictly on the pre-op diet..Until next time...One day at a time...One day at a time...
7:50 PM - 1 Comments

Let the Journey Begin...

Okay, so I am here because I have been reading several bandster blogs and am intrigued to share my journey in hopes that I will serve as a example for someone else. My lap-band is scheduled to take place on June 17th, 2007 and I can not wait. My husband, Andy had it done last September and has lost 95lbs. It has changed our lives. Don't get it twisted, at 293 lbs (my highest weight in the past 6 months) I know I am beautiful, I can keep up with my children and manage 12 hours shifts on my feet as a nurse. I also attend school full-time, however,with my family, their love for me has been conditional, and I want to prove to them, and myself that I CAN succeed at weight loss.


I began eating for comfort in the 9th grade. My step dad had stopped speaking to me at the age of 7, and entering high school on top of living with a man who acted as if he could not stand the site of you was DETRIMENTAL. I remember eating as well as hoarding, food in my room. When I graduated high school I was in a 18/20 without the W behind it. After high school, I went to Weight Watchers and dropped 100 lbs.I was 8 lbs from goal weight and was wearing a 10/12 to 13/14 and stopped going. I gained it back within 6 months. I had my first son and got divorced and with the help of Phen-fen I lost 70 lbs. But with children #2 and 3, I was not so fortunate, especially because these were both c-sections. Up until my 30's I have been yo-yo dieting, but could always jump on Atkins and lose 25-30 lbs. But each time I jumped on, when I jumped off, my weight would continue to climb. When I turned 30, even Atkins was unsuccessful in helping the weight to move. Now that I am in school, my sedentary lifestyle has caused an even larger increase in my weight, I went to Six Flags with my children and could not fit on one of the rides. That was my "pivotal" moment. It was then that I decided I must re-submit my information to try and get approved for the banding. Three months before, I had been denied. I re-submitted my paperwork and my husband stayed on the girl at the insurance office. Within two weeks, I had my appointment. I could not believe it.! I started the pre-op diet yesterday, but the hospital I worked at kept me very busy. I ate my two protein shakes and my lean cuisine. Today, was a bit slower and I found myself concentrating on food all day long. I had my two shakes, a lean cuisine, 2 cups of broth, sugar free Popsicles and some egg drop soup, without the drops. LOL. I also had two crab Rangoon. Do you see where this is going? I am just eager for tommorow to begin, so that I can put today behind me. My husband states that I am doing fantastic. He is part of the reason why I never realized how big I have gotten, because throughout our ten years, he has told me I am the most beautiful woman ever. He told me he cheated a little here and there during pre-op and it made me feel a ton better. I am hoping for a brighter tomorrow Until next time....bring on the band...