A Little Update...

Well, it has been a while since my last blog. After my emotional breakdown, I found myself sinking lower and lower in despair. Everyone was telling me to enjoy the time, but I just have to be busy...My kids are used to being busy too, they were fighting like crazy by Wednesday, but soon we got some much needed relief. My girlfriend, Holly, popped by and brought her kids and it did me and the kids a ton of good. So good in fact, her girls spent the night and my girls were on their best behavior. I did spend Thursday sleeping after the girls had their little "slumber party" they slept most of the day, too. On Friday, I headed back to work. It was the craziest day I have had in the two years at this hospital. I had a 450 lb man that I had to pull and tug on all day and by the end of the day I was worn out! I weighed in in the morning and was up to 276. I expected a little weight gain as I have been reading it is to be expected when you go from liquids to solids, so I was not too perplexed. This morning I headed back in and was back down to 274, so I understood it was either water or just a normal fluctuation. My mother in law made some stuffed bell peppers and squash casserole so that is what I have eaten the past couple of days, for one of my meals. I figure not only is it soft but low carb. Tonight, my husband and I went to pick out the girl's birthday cake and went out to dinner. I had chicken fajita nachos at the mexican restaurant and only had half a order! Not to mention, it too me forever and I still did not finish them. I knew these were high in calories, but today was a day like the last at work and I have had on my skates. Plus, the food did not taste as good as I remember. I am thankful for this. I am worried about one of my stab wounds, I think it may have opened up this morning and drained something, so it is concerning me. I have decided just to keep a eye on it and hope for the best...with the patients that I care for, It would not surprise me if I caught something from them. Hopefully not, and next week we will be in the ocean. the salt water always has a healing effect. Until next time....just waiting for the weight to "fall" off....

The Breakdown

Two blogs in one day....WOW! Tonight, I had my first emotional breakdown. It started earlier today when I tried to clean my kitchen floor on my hands and knees and felt like my port was in my throat. I have so much to do before I have my luau on August 11th, and it needed to start with the kitchen. So I get in there with my bleach and water and clean out my refrigerator and then move to the floors. My body let me know real quick that I had NO BUSINESS being in that floor. I was in pain. So I waited until Andy came home and instead of him saying "Baby you should have waited", he starts fussing at me like crazy saying "You have to be sensible about this you are only one week out of surgery and you had no business moving the refrigerator." Finally, I just broke down. You have to understand, I am not by far an obese, sedentary person. I don't like having to have someone do something for me. I am used to being able to jump up and fix what needs to be fixed and clean what needs to be cleaned. I am standing there stirring protein powder in my low-carb chili and he says "Yes but you can't do it right now" Then it came out of my mouth...."APPARENTLY WOMEN HAVE MORE TROUBLE THAN MEN WITH THIS SURGERY AND IF I WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT, I NEVER WOULD HAVE HAD IT DONE" And then I cried. He held me while I cried and after my outburst, I went in the living room and ate my low-carb protein-chalky powder chili and was done. I only "borrowed" the chili for 19 minutes. Afterwards, I sat on the couch while my husband who had worked 8 hours today, cleaned, on his hands and knees, the ENTIRE kitchen. I feel so helpless. Until next time....I may need prozac before it's over

AM I 90 or 32??

So...I woke up yesterday morning pain free. I had become quite restless the night before at around 1:00 a.m. I woke up and paced the floor, sat down and checked my myspace and e-mail and paced some more. I finally went and sat back in the recliner. I must have went and got in my bed sometime between 1:00 and 10:00 a.m. Monday morning. I have put nothing else in my new stomach besides pudding and soup. I NEVER want to go through that again. I refrained from taking my vitamins yesterday, but I decided since my body is not getting the nutrients it needs, and I am obviously losing weight (You can tell just from looking at me) that I needed to take them today so here I go crushing my pills the same way I crush them for my elderly patients, I then mix them with a sugar-free vanilla pudding and swallow them down. I know...GROSS! I still feel like no matter how much I read and tried to prepare myself for my new "banded" life, I was not prepared at all. I just figured it would be similar to that of my husband's life, which is to be real honest, no different from before. Besides using portion control, he is back to eating (after only three days of recovery) normal foods. His typical day is a shake, a healthy choice meal and then whatever we have for dinner...Meanwhile, it has been a week since my surgery and I am only up to full liquids. I don't ever see me eating "normal" foods again and I don't like the thought of that one bit. I have stopped cross-blogging on my myspace because I figured out after my 274 lb blog that my friends didn't really care to hear about this journey. So I will just continue to blog my feelings and thoughts on here. If no one is listening besides Dagny, I don't care, It helps me to feel better to get it off my chest. Until next time....All I need now are dentures...

Meat Tenderizer to the Rescue??

Okay, so last night I came home and tried some chicken and vegetables. I chewed each bite of chicken at least 29-30 times and the vegetables which were cooked soft at least 20. I did not have any trouble with the meal. This morning, I went into work and my Herbalife vitamins and protein shakes were finally there when I was! So I go ahead and crush the vitamins, but the cell activator was in the capsule form, so I went ahead and took it whole followed by water and a little later, my protein shake. By two o' clock this afternoon, I knew that I still had not passed that capsule. It was definitely stuck. Because I am a nurse, I was doing a lot of bending and feeling more and more sick by the hour. I called my husband, (who should be the lap-band surgery poster boy) who told me to drink, drink, and drink some more. I drank and drank and even drank my diet lipton tea with lemon heated. Nothing was working, in fact, I was becoming more and more sick. So after much urging from my fellow co-workers I had my doctor paged. I explained to him what I had done and he said get some meat
tenderizer mix it with water and sip on that, and rest sitting up. Then he tells me "I am pretty sure I filled you a little because the band was a little loose" HELLO??? Someone could have mentioned that to me about 5 days ago!! I have been uncomfortable with every type of food I try and was just deciding that this was going to be my life with the band. Because my husband and his family expected me to just bounce back, like he did, I have tried as little as possible to complain, although when I have, it has fallen on deaf ears. My husband actually shouted at me and told me he knew exactly what I was going through today and he was trying to help me fix it but "NOOOO, I REFUSED to do what he said." Reduced to tears, I told him that I had been drinking but the more I drank, the more nauseated and painful it became. I feel like even though he has had the band, he is not hearing me out when I say something is wrong. Don't get me wrong, I am not easy to live with when I am sick. If I am running a fever, I have a little whimper that I make when I am chilling. When I was nauseated last week after surgery, I pretty much was ill and crying at times with my head. I am sure he was happy to finally go back to work, but when I tell you something is stuck and has not moved in 8 hours, I think it needs to be addressed. So I finally was sent home from work, and have been sipping on this meat tenderizer mixed with water for the past half hour while writing this. The pain has subsided a tad, but I am still uncomfortable. My doctor told me that if I was still uncomfortable tomorrow, to come back to the office and he would remove some of the saline. Until then I guess, I will sit here and drink meat tenderizer until I am floating, hoping and praying that this thing passes and soon so that I can rest tonight. Until next time, God bless McCormick's....

A Whole New Set of Numbers

Drum roll please....I weighed in this morning at work....I was in a whole new set of numbers......274!!!! This was with a extra shirt on under my scrub top and shoes! The extra shirt was so I could try to avoid catching anything from my patients. I am back to eating solid foods and making the healthy choices is still going to be a obstacle for me. I am guilty of eating pasta last night, but to be quite honest I was sick of having the runs and being unable to keep anything on my stomach and believe it or not the four bites of pasta actually stuck. Before anyone gets excited I have been terribly upset that I did that and though I ate a little more at lunch after losing my breakfast I was not at all interested in gaining back the weight I have so jubilantly lost. That is why I joined the WLS ring...In a typical day what do you choose for you meals? You guys were so kind to leave me some feedback on my last blog so PLEASE I need your help now. I do not want to keep making bad choices. It has been 20 years of unhealthy eating and I am trying to re-learn the process. Until Next Time...On solid foods and happy again....

Let the Games Begin...

So today I got a email from my mom. She has really nothing to do with me or my children except at Easter and Christmas. So today I get a email asking how my marathon training was going. Since I had not done that in several months, that shows has long it has been since I had heard from her. I went ahead and broke it to her that I had the lap-band. She wrote back later this afternoon and asked if we could start meeting in White House and walking together. I do not know how I feel about this. I knew it would come because these people have been obsessed with my weight my entire life. I honestly thought that it would not come for some time after I had dropped say 80-90lbs. To me this is conditional love and I don't need it. Either you love me how I am, all the time, unconditionally, or you don't love me at all. This women has made a couple of feeble attempts in the past to be a part of my life by coming in and remodeling my house, but each time I would get my hopes up that she was going to stick around, and then nothing. I finally visited a counselor during my divorce that said I must not let her walk in and out of my life like that. As of Christmas, I had made a attempt to talk to her about our past one last time, and she quickly stated I love you and that should be enough. She wrote e-mails for a while and then backed off again. I don't know how to feel at this point. I would love to have a mother in my life but at the same time I don't know if I want a mother under false pretenses....HELP! What would you do? Please I need advice....Until next time...Is this going to be my new thinner lifestyle? People who never paid me attention before suddenly take hold and pay attention now? If so I would rather be fat. Fat people are more genuine.

I Don't Know Which Day it is Post-Op!

Okay, so Andy informed me yesterday that it was only day two post-op. I was thinking yesterday was day three. So I guess today is day three? I don't know. Anyway, I got put on-call today which I asked for. I felt like I needed one more day to be back 100%. I have not even tried to drive yet, So I figure I probably need to do that first thing. Today, my shoulder is killing me. I have either pulled it while sleeping on the couch the first few days, or maybe it was pulled when they placed my arm out to my side for surgery. Either way, I have decided it is not trapped gas, I am over that, but it is a pulled muscle. I am sitting with a heating pad on it as we speak. Other than that , I am almost back to my old self. The incision sites are itching and that is a nuisance but other than that I am doing much better. Not really hungry I tried to drink some of a milkshake last night and the pain was not worth it. My larger stomach below the band is still having hunger pains but I can't get anything to it! It really sucks. I am looking forward to working tomorrow to see how that's gonna play out. If I could just get my shoulder to feeling better I would be back to normal! Until next time....flexeril anyone??

Days Two And Three Post-Op

Well, yesterday (day two) sucked. I had felt like ass all day long. I will start with the fact that I have been a little hungry today and the clear liquids were not cutting it. Andy said my swelling must have gone way down. I don't know but last night when Holly and James left, Andy fixed me some mashed potatoes. I knew it was the wrong idea with the second bite. So, after those had cleared he fixed me some tuna fish, I was able to eat 2 bites of it and then I was full. I got nauseated immediately after eating any of that, so I took some lortab and went to lie down. I am still unable to sleep in my bed at this point. Well, I lay down and here comes the migraine almost immediately. I don't know if it is from the lortab, or the way my neck is on the couch. So, I had Savannah get me a cold rag and I suffered until 1:00 this morning when I had to have some intervention. Andy could not find my imitrex (migraine medication) so he gave me another phenergan. At 7:15 when he was getting up, I went in and tried to lay down in my bed again. HALLELUJAH it worked. So I slept there, headache free, until 10:27 this morning. When I got up this morning I was hurting much less, almost none at all. I took a shower and started to try and join the land of the living again. I ate a caramel sugar free pudding, but I had taken some MOM yesterday and the pudding ran right through me. I am now deciding to go back to clear liquids for today and possible fulls again tomorrow. Until next time...I am going to be starving by next week....

The Surgery

Oh the things we will do to be thin. So I didn't go to bed until around 1:00 Monday night. I was a nervous wreck. I had to be there at 5:30 a.m. So we get there and because I had my surgery at Baptist, it was a lot different than Andy's surgery. At first they took me back to get a pre-op weight. 281.2! I am almost in a whole new set of numbers. After that, they took me back to pre-op holding and went ahead and had anesthesia to start my iv. this was nice because he numbed the area up first so it did not hurt that bad. They gave me some reglan and zofran iv, and a pepcid. All of this was to coat my stomach.Then, my doctor came in and talked with me and let me know what to expect and what to eat afterward. Then they let Andy come back. I would like to say that these were tender last moments, but we just sat there and joked and laughed. Then they whisked me off to surgery. When I woke up I was in recovery and extremely nauseated. They gave me some phenergan and I was still sick. I did not want to vomit because that can cause the band itself to slip. They took me down and did my swallow test and I was still about to vomit, but I held back and they finally took me to my room. I slept for probably two hours and then they wanted me to get up and walk. That first time up was so rough. I was nauseated and had that gas trapped in my shoulder. HORRIBLE. Andy did so great after his surgery that I truly thought I would bounce right back. Instead, I was sick and nauseated. I laid back down and my step mom came in to visit me. We talked a bit and I dozed in and out. When it was time to go home I was having a lot of pain with the gas in my shoulder and having a lot of nausea. I was also starting to get a migraine. I was batting 1000. Finally, we got home and I could not lay down on the bed. Thank Goodness we bought that new couch this year that reclines. That is where I have spent my last 12 hours. It is now 2:20 a.m. and this is the first time in the past twelve hours that I have been able to sit up for this long without a migraine and being nauseated. I feel a little better in fact. I am working with my incentive spirometer, and writing this. I went the first few hours I was home taking nothing for pain and just having a phenergan. I had to finally break down around 7:00 p.m. and take it. I had not wanted to take it because I felt like that was probably what was making me so sick. I am glad I finally took it, because that made it a lot easier for me to walk. I just took my second dose but I thought I would let everyone know how I was. A lot of you have called and I thank each one of you for your thoughts and prayers. Big Daddy has taken such good care of me and I love him for that. I am feeling a ton better for right now so I am hoping everything will keep looking up....Until next time...put those cheeseburgers away...NO one should have to go through this and I sure hope it is worth it in the end.

Day Nine~I Made It!

So, I made it through the pre-op despite the few cheats here and there and today I started full liquids. It has not been that bad. I have been home the entire day and pretty much have had one slim-fast and some soups. I will do full liquids and then clear liquids all day Monday. This is kind of my way of doing pre-op. I am also taking MOM to help cleanse the colon out. My husband's pre-op was one week of the protein shakes and lean cuisine and then one week of full liquids then 3 days before, clear liquids. He pretty much eats whatever he wants now, but I am hoping that my desire for unhealthy foods actually decreases. This will be easier for me if it can. I can already tell that my taste buds are much more sensitive to salt, and if it is too salty, I can't eat it. I have lived this way for around twenty years, eating unhealthy foods, and this diet is not going to change that overnight. The surgery isn't on my brain, but my stomach, and there are going to be times just like my everyday life, when I am going to screw up and eat the wrong thing or make the wrong decisions. That doesn't mean that I am going to give up or lose my focus it just means that I am human. My husband still eats whatever he wants, and that is his decision. But I will say he has DRASTICALLY reduced his portion size and that is what works best for him. I am going to order some of the herbalife supplements tomorrow and start them after surgery too. I can't wait. All of my nursing friends are so excited and are being really supportive. I have felt a little down today and have slept most of the day but I just worked four 12's in a row.I have to work again tomorrow and Monday and then the big day will be here. I am scared and excited all at once...Only three more days to go! Until next time....sugar-free here I come...

Day Five~I BLEW It!

So because I was at home today, I did a lot better with the eating. I had my two slim-fast, and my lean cuisine and really wasn't that hungry at all. I cleaned up the house and things were going great. The kids are in VBS this week and their friends Maddie and Taylor are staying at my mother-in-laws so I only had Lanie last night while Andy was gone to the lodge. I watched Dateline and then he got back. Then, he sabotaged me. He came out with a heaping mound of cheese fries and told me I better eat up because fries are impossible after the band. I could not be strong, the fries were insanely wonderful, but I was only able to eat a few before I felt like I had to vomit. I gave the plate back to him where he preceded to finish them off. Notice above he said fries were nearly impossible after the band? They must not be too impossible! I felt horrible after I ate them, Like I had cheated myself of something very important. Funny, I did not feel this way with the rangoon...LOL It is one thing, I think, to have the surgery and have to be on a certain diet after you have it, but to be on it before really is a challenge. If I had wanted too, after all, I could have eaten two slim-fast and a lean cuisine years ago and not be where I am today, needing the WLS. Tomorrow is my official weigh-in at the doctor's office with the surgeon doing my surgery. I don't think I screwed it up too bad with the fries, but I guess we will see. Until next time....740 calories a day is no joke, and neither is 1200.

Day Four~This Really Blows!

Today was quite a busy day at work. I did extremely well with my clear liquids and such but damn if I didn't eat the crab rangoon when I got home. My weight at work today was still at 284. I figured I would be 287 with all that rangoon. And here is the thing, sure I would eat them before but NEVER like this. I guess I am just hungry....for anything. Today's calorie count was 648, before the rangoon. When I got home from work, a girlfriend of mine and I were instant messaging and I decided to go to her house for a while. It kept me busy and I was not at all hungry...I got home at a quarter till three. I was tired but had energy and I honestly don't know where it is coming from. Today is my last day for any kind of cheat, Tomorrow starts the full liquids, I think, I will have to check with Andy when he gets home. Wish I could just fast forward to next Tuesday and get this over with...just wish me luck on making it without crab rangoon for the next week! Until next time....I miss my old way of life, but not enough to keep living it!

Day Three~Damn that Rangoon!

Today was day three of pre-op and it was definitely better than the last. I had some problems with the slim fast last night, but when I weighed at work this morning, I was down to 284. That is eight pounds from my highest weight when I was sick in April, (293). I could not believe the scale. With that encouragement, I stuck strictly to the meal plan until tonight. I had drank all of my egg drop soup without the drops this morning. So Andy went and got some more tonight and I had that and more rangoon. I didn't care, I figured up my calorie count today and I have gone from eating 4000 calories a day roughly, to a mere 740, before the rangoon. I can definitely tell my stomach is shrinking as it only takes a little fluid and a little solid to get me full. I am excited about my upcoming surgery, but I really want and need to be successful at it so I know that the rangoon has to stop. Compared to everything I had eaten yesterday, I still feel that I did well because in all likelihood with me working, I know I have burned them off. The scale will probably tell on me tomorrow. I will be interested to see, I have gone to the bathroom probably ten times today so I know I am losing water. Tonight a couple of friends that we had not seen in a while came by so that helped keep my mind busy as we watched The Borat (love it). Anyway, each day is getting better than the one before and I hoping maybe tomorrow, I can stay strictly on the pre-op diet..Until next time...One day at a time...One day at a time...
7:50 PM - 1 Comments

Let the Journey Begin...

Okay, so I am here because I have been reading several bandster blogs and am intrigued to share my journey in hopes that I will serve as a example for someone else. My lap-band is scheduled to take place on June 17th, 2007 and I can not wait. My husband, Andy had it done last September and has lost 95lbs. It has changed our lives. Don't get it twisted, at 293 lbs (my highest weight in the past 6 months) I know I am beautiful, I can keep up with my children and manage 12 hours shifts on my feet as a nurse. I also attend school full-time, however,with my family, their love for me has been conditional, and I want to prove to them, and myself that I CAN succeed at weight loss.


I began eating for comfort in the 9th grade. My step dad had stopped speaking to me at the age of 7, and entering high school on top of living with a man who acted as if he could not stand the site of you was DETRIMENTAL. I remember eating as well as hoarding, food in my room. When I graduated high school I was in a 18/20 without the W behind it. After high school, I went to Weight Watchers and dropped 100 lbs.I was 8 lbs from goal weight and was wearing a 10/12 to 13/14 and stopped going. I gained it back within 6 months. I had my first son and got divorced and with the help of Phen-fen I lost 70 lbs. But with children #2 and 3, I was not so fortunate, especially because these were both c-sections. Up until my 30's I have been yo-yo dieting, but could always jump on Atkins and lose 25-30 lbs. But each time I jumped on, when I jumped off, my weight would continue to climb. When I turned 30, even Atkins was unsuccessful in helping the weight to move. Now that I am in school, my sedentary lifestyle has caused an even larger increase in my weight, I went to Six Flags with my children and could not fit on one of the rides. That was my "pivotal" moment. It was then that I decided I must re-submit my information to try and get approved for the banding. Three months before, I had been denied. I re-submitted my paperwork and my husband stayed on the girl at the insurance office. Within two weeks, I had my appointment. I could not believe it.! I started the pre-op diet yesterday, but the hospital I worked at kept me very busy. I ate my two protein shakes and my lean cuisine. Today, was a bit slower and I found myself concentrating on food all day long. I had my two shakes, a lean cuisine, 2 cups of broth, sugar free Popsicles and some egg drop soup, without the drops. LOL. I also had two crab Rangoon. Do you see where this is going? I am just eager for tommorow to begin, so that I can put today behind me. My husband states that I am doing fantastic. He is part of the reason why I never realized how big I have gotten, because throughout our ten years, he has told me I am the most beautiful woman ever. He told me he cheated a little here and there during pre-op and it made me feel a ton better. I am hoping for a brighter tomorrow Until next time....bring on the band...